The Death of Me
by France1832
Summary: "He tried to remember how this had happened. There was a time when he had hated - no, hate wasn't the right word. There were times when he had disliked Grantaire for his cynicism, his drunkenness, his lack of belief in anything, and his infuriating smirk." Modern AU: Enjolras and Grantaire start dating, but its far from perfect.
1. Chapter 1

Enjolras watched his boyfriend grab his waded hazy blue backpack and run to the door before slamming it closed. They had had a fight again, but as much as Enjolras felt bad about their second break-up, he wasn't bothered by it for his own sake. Sure, Enjolras cared for he cynical drunkard - perhaps he even loved him - but it wasn't for the reasons most people loved each other.

The blond youth walked over to his desk and took out the half-written pamphlet which he needed to finish. As he moved his pen across the page in rough little motions, he tried to remember how this had happened. There was a time when he had hated - no, hate wasn't the right word. There were times when he had disliked Grantaire for his cynicism, his drunkenness, his lack of belief in anything, and his infuriating smirk.

But one day, Grantaire had walked up to Enjolras and sat by his table.

_"It's late, Grantaire, shouldn't you be at home?" Enjolras asked without looking up from his work._

_"so should you." Grantaire responded with a shrug. _

_"I'm working." _

_"You could work at home." Grantaire pointed out. Enjolras looked at him. _

_"I'm trying to concentrate on this essay so could you please stop interrupting me?" The blond requested and waited a moment to see if the words sank in before returning to his writing. _

_"Yeah, ok." Grantaire said a bit bitterly and stood up and took a gulp from his bottle. _

_Enjolras sighed in frustration and straightened. "Why do you drink that?" _

_Grantaire was taken aback. "It stops the pain." He answered truthfully. He was too surprised to think of a clever comeback. Enjolras was a little surprised by this comment. _

_"What's hurting you?" Enjolras asked suddenly interested. Grantaire took a step towards Enjolras and knelt by his chair. _

_"With all the good you do, you're blinded to my pain. You think I'm a drunk only out of habit, or a cynic out of choice?" Grantaire asked softly and carefully removed Enjolras' shoe and sock. _

_"What are you doing?" Enjolras asked and moved to take his foot back, but Grantaire bent towards the pale foot and kissed it softly. Enjolras froze and regarded Grantaire in confusion. _

_"I told you I believed in you and you scoffed. Maybe this will help you understand better - I love you." Grantaire said softly and looked up at Enjolras to see his reaction. _

_"You love me?" The blond asked, but his words didn't hold disgust or alarm - just surprise. _

_"You're Apollo and I only wish to be your Hyacinth." Grantaire explained. Something in the god seemed to change and he stood carefully so he wouldn't crush Grantaire's hand._

_"you couldn't have started drinking because of me." Enjolras reasoned. _

_"No. I drink because I'm depressed, or maybe I'm depressed because I drink. I haven't figured out which. Chicken or the egg thing all over again. Anyway, I have major depression and sometimes it's just too much, so I drink to try and drown out the pain of feeling nothing. That's why I smoke too, and sometimes you hear rumors that I do drugs. They're all true. I do drugs to help me feel good again for a bit, but even more than all that, you're my drug. You wonder why I come to the meetings and that's why! Just being in the same room as you and to feel your energy and your passion, it helps me feel alive! I feel even more alive when your passion is directed at me and that's why I say things that make you mad - besides the fact that they're true. Every night I come home after a meeting, I drink more because you can't be with me. You hate me and you'd never choose me, but I need you." Grantaire rambled. His emotions were too built up for him to keep them back anymore. _

_Enjolras listened and saw Grantaire completely differently. No, Grantaire was not one of the people they were fighting to free, but he was still a human being who needed saving and maybe Enjolras could save him. Grantaire had said that he needed Enjolras and how could Enjolras refuse someone who begged for his help? _

_Enjolras knelt next to Grantaire and touched his face gently. "I don't hate you." He began and slowly kissed his cheek. "I have to study now, but do you want to meet me here to get a coffee tomorrow?" He offered. _

They got coffee the neck day and Grantaire seemed a little happier. He smiled a bit now and then and Enjolras liked seeing him smile. He felt like he was making a difference. A couple days later, Enjolras realized that Grantaire would become miserable again when he wasn't with the cynic, so he decided to ask him out. Grantaire agreed and Enjolras started going home with Grantaire.

They didn't sleep together because Enjolras was asexual and he knew Grantaire was very not. Enjolras slept on the couch and Grantaire slept in his own bed. Grantaire seemed a bit brighter, but not as bright as Enjolras would like him to be.

_Enjolras was studying on Grantaire's couch, but he heard weird noises coming from the dark haired man's room. The blond stood and walked over to the door and contemplated knocking, but decided to just open the door. He saw that Grantaire was masterbating and suddenly regretted not knocking. _

_"Enjolras!" Grantaire jumped a bit and stopped what he had been doing. Enjolras walked over to him and climbed onto the bed. _

_"Would you like some help?" Enjolras offered and touched Grantaire's thigh gently. Grantaire gasped and cupped the back of Enjolras's neck. Enjolras didn't protest and watched as Grantaire's face gravitated towards his own. Their lips came together and they kissed gently at first, but it quickly grew desperate and heated on Grantaire's part and Enjolras didn't protest. He kept up with Grantaire and allowed the man to push him down and straddle him. He let Grantaire unbutton his shirt and caress his chest before reaching for the blond's belt. _

_The next morning, Enjolras opened his eyes and saw Grantaire staring at him with an unbelieving smile as if he couldn't imagine the god was lying naked in his bed with him. _

_Enjolras was asexual, but he knew Grantaire needed him and so he allowed it. Almost any sacrifice was worth making for the benefit of others. Besides, Enjolras wasn't completely against sex, but he had no interest in it either. _

_Enjolras pecked Grantaire's lips and said, "good morning." Before looking at the clock and saying, "I have to get to class." And standing up. _

Enjolras sighed and rubbed his eyes. It was almost 3 AM now and he should really get some sleep. Combeferre wouldn't be very impressed if he found out.

"I'll just finish this one thought." Enjolras muttered and did as he said. Once he had finished, he put the pen down and stripped before climbing into bed. It was his bed. A month or so into their relationship, Enjolras had suggested they move to his apartment since it was bigger and nicer. Now Enjolras was lying alone in his bed which he hadn't done for a while now.

Still, it didn't bother him personally. He didn't need Grantaire. He was content to be alone with his cause. The only reason he had been with Grantaire in the first place was for Grantaire's sake.


	2. Chapter 2

Grantaire went to the nearest bar and ordered a strong drink. The bartender handed him the drink and put the money into the cash register.

"I haven't seen you as much recently." he remarked casually, but there was a hint of concern behind his dark eyes.

"Just been busy I guess." Grantaire shrugged and took a gulp from his drink.

"Who was that blond guy who was here before? I saw him pick you up last time you got real wasted." The bartender, who's name was Jules, asked. Grantaire's face darkened and he finished his drink before replying,

"He _was _my boyfriend."

"Oh. What happened?"

"We got in a fight. Again." the cynic answered shortly. Jules nodded and went to serve another customer.

"What was the fight about?" Jules asked when he had finished filling a glass and putting cash into the machine. Grantaire sighed and leaned towards the counter.

"Well, it started when I kissed his neck and he told me to go away and that he was writing something for his blog. I argued that he could work on it later and tried to convince him to come to bed with me, but he insisted he _had _to work on it _right then_. I asked him what the point was since hardly anyone read his blog and explained that nothing he was going to say would change anything. I mean, really he just has this whole hero complex and he thinks he can change things, but they _won't change._ Racism, sexism, prostitution, and poverty have been going on forever. I'm just so tired of him putting his opinions before my needs, especially because nothing ever changes." Grantaire explained and quickly went off onto a tangent.

"Wow," Jules whistled.

"Anyway," Grantaire continued and got back on track. "He yelled at me that it would change things and started to tell me about success other people were having and success he was already getting and whatever and said that the world's problems are more important than one man's selfish needs. I got mad because I know I'm selfish, but it's not really my fault. in this world selfish is the only thing you can be if you want to survive - you know, survival of the fittest and whatever. Enjolras is the only guy I've ever met who doesn't seem to have a selfish bone in his body. He doesn't even sleep if he can help someone instead and it's so friggin' annoying!" he exclaimed.

"I apologized for not being a black woman in poverty. He told me not to mock them and I swore he was going to hit me, but he didn't. I told him that I would mock anything if that's what it took to get his attention. He said that I was being a child and that if I wouldn't let him work than I could die in a hole. Well...not those exact words, but essentially the same. So I left and came here. Whats on my back is all I've got." Grantaire finished.

"Wow, that really sucks man." Jules sympathized. "Tell ya what, drinks on me."

"Thanks," Grantaire grunted and ordered another drink.

A couple hours later, Grantaire was very drunk - not to mention high - and could hardly stand. His legs felt wobbly and his blue backpack kept slipping off his shoulder.

"Grantaire!" Someone shouted from far away. Arms grabbed his shoulder.

"Joly, we need to get him outta here. Let's take him to Bahorel's apartment. It's close and he has a spare room where R can crash for a while."

Grantaire looked into the face of Joly and let's the two guys pick him up. The other seemed to be Combeferre. They brought him to a car and put a seatbelt on him. The car started and Grantaire began ranting about stuff. He wasn't even sure what he was talking about, but it probably had to do with cats. Nobody seemed to be paying much attention, but that was ok. Nobody ever did, even when he was more sober.

"Should we call Enjolras? He would want to know right?" Joly asked.

"I'll call him when we get R settled at Bahorel's." Combeferre replied.

"Ok."

* * *

"Oh my gosh!" Bahorel exclaimed. Grantaire was annoyed with all this fuss. What was even wrong? He just had a bit of alcohol... And maybe some heroine, but still.

"Grantaire, what are you on?"

"Heroine. But don't worry, it's just for the pain." Grantaire replied.

"What pain?" Joly asked now a lot more worried.

"Life. "

They took him inside and laid him on the spare bed. He was too tired to complain much, so he just rolled onto his side and closed his eyes.

The room and bed felt very empty and Grantaire missed the feeling of Enjolras pressed against him. Why had this all gone so badly? He had thought Enjolras loved him. The first month of their relationship had been heaven. Grantaire had thought nothing could be better than having the Greek god eat dinner with him, study in the same room, and then make love to him before they went to bed. Sometimes Grantaire had even convinced Apollo to stay in bed a few extra minutes before class.

The problems had started when Grantaire had wanted more. He was naturally dominant and as much as he loved watching Enjolras dominate over everyone and as much as he loved that power, he longed to dominate over Enjolras. It was an impossible dream and it was twisted and revolting because why would you want to break something so beautiful?

Enjolras had refused to be dominated over. Even when Grantaire was on top or the one who cooked the meals and the one who initiated sex most of the time, Enjolras still managed to be in-charge.

The fact that Grantaire couldnt win made the challenge even more appealing. He loved the assurance that he could never break Enjolras, but at the same time, it was terrible. He hated it and loved it and he could feel his thoughts becoming more self-destructive, even as Enjolras tried to bring him joy.

Grantaire should have known that he could only go so far before Enjolras would grow tired of him. After all, Enjolras was a god and Grantaire was the lowest of mortals. Enjolras was a saint and Grantaire was a sinner. Enjolras was an optimist when Grantaire was a pessimist. They were complete opposites and although Grantaire needed Enjolras, Enjolras didn't need Grantaire.

The cynic fell asleep too far gone to care anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

Enjolras heard a ring and rolled over in bed to try and fight the sound off before giving up and grabbing his phone. The bright light displayed the contact name, "Combeferre" and Enjolras wondered what his friend was doing up at 4:00 A.M

"Combeferre?" Enjolras asked in a voice that would have suggested he had been up for hours.

"Enjolras, what happened? We found Grantaire at a bar drunk out of his mind!" Combeferre's voice came through the phone in a sort of calm panic.

"We broke up." The blond answered simply. A curse was heard on the other end of the line and there was a long pause before,

"Enjolras...what happened? Another argument about your opposing opinions?"

"Sort of," Enjolras agreed. "He didn't approve of the way I was spending my time." The blond was worried about Grantaire and unhappy that he had gone to the bar, but he also wasn't surprised. He heard Combeferre sigh.

When Enjolras and Grantaire had first made their relationship known, Courfeyrac had been surprised, but then cheered, Jehan had smiled encouragingly and said that their relationship had something poetic about it, and all the others seemed to be happy as well. Except for Combeferre. He had taken Enjolras aside after the announcement and asked him what he was doing. He lectured Enjolras on depression and unhealthy relationships.

_"I'm not against you two dating, but I'm not convinced you're dating out of attraction." Combeferre had added. _

_"I'm sure you're aware of Grantaire's attraction to-" _

_"I'm not questioning Grantaire's motives, mon ami, I'm questioning yours." Combeferre interrupted. Enjolras sighed. _

_"You shouldn't worry so much about me. I'm fine and I know what I'm doing." Enjolras said dismissively and turned away. He didn't want Combeferre to pry because somewhere inside his head, he knew Combeferre was right. _

_"Just be careful. For both your sakes." _

"We're at Bahorel's house if you'd like to come check on him." Combeferre's voice brought Enjolras out of his memories.

"I'll be there soon." Enjolras agreed and hung up. He crossed the room and opened his closet drawer and took out a white collared shirt and jeans. He pulled them on quickly and searched for a clean pair of socks. Once he found a pair, he went to his car and started to drive towards Bahorel's. Hopefully Grantaire would just sleep the effects of alcohol and whatever else off in a day or so.

Enjolras went up to Bahorel's door and knocked firmly. There was aboth a three second pause before Combeferre opened the door and let Enjolras in.

"He's in the spare bedroom." The medical student explained. Enjolras nodded and walked down the somewhat familiar hallway and opened the off-white door into the spare bedroom. He saw Grantaire lying in the bed on his side. His skin was covered in sweat and he had a pale, ill hue. Enjolras could see needle marks in the man's left arm and he cursed.

Seeing Grantaire in this state, Enjolras regretted their argument. Yes, he needed to work on his protest and spreading awareness on issues, but he also had a responsibility to help Grantaire and if Grantaire needed him, he shouldn't ignore him.

Enjolras sat on the edge of the bed and carded a hand through Grantaire's dark curls.

"Hmmm," Grantaire moaned softly and opened his eyes. His pupils were contracted and he looked at Enjolras a bit blankly. Enjolras felt heaviness in his chest as he looked into Grantaire's lightless eyes. He looked dead.

"Grantaire..." Enjolras tried to begin, but before he could actually say something, Grantaire turned to the side and vomited onto the carpet. He coughed and vomited a couple more times and Enjolras brushed his hair away from his face and held his sides to steady him.

"Now that you're awake, why don't I take you home. Combeferre can come check on you in the morning." Enjolras suggested gently. Grantaire nodded and stood up shakily.

"Maybe I should do this more often. Then you might notice me." Grantaire said and followed Enjolras out of the bedroom.

"He threw up. I'm taking him home. Could you come check on him in the morning, Combeferre?" Enjolras asked his friend. Combeferre nodded and patted Enjolras on the shoulder while Bahorel went to grab things to clean his floor.

Enjolras helped Grantaire into the passenger seat and buckled him in before going to the other side and starting the car. They drove in silence, but Enjolras took Grantaire's hand to try and show that he wasn't angry (although he was).

"What are we going to do when we get home?" Grantaire asked in monotone.

"You're going to sleep." Enjolras replied a little coldly and parked the car. He opened Grantaire's door after getting out and took hold of Grantaire's arm. He tried to ease him out of the car without injury. Surprisingly, he succeeded and Enjolras escorted his boyfriend into his apartment and helped him out of his shirt and jeans.

"go get ready in the bathroom." Enjolras ordered and watched as Grantaire shuffled into the bathroom and closed the door.

When the blond was finally alone, he took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. it was exhausting to take care of Grantaire. More exhausting than running protests if that was even possible. And as much as Enjolras was up for the challenge, it was beginning to weigh on him.

Grantaire came out of the bathroom a minute later and wrapped arms around Enjolras from behind the blond. The blond turner around and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend gently.

"Come to bed." He said gently and lead the drugged alcoholic over to their bed.

"only if you do too." Grantaire protested and undid the buttons on Enjolras' shirt.

"Alright," Enjolras agreed and lightly slapped Grantaire's hands away. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back." And he went into the bathroom. He opened the cupboard and took out his red toothbrush and brushed his teeth. After he was finished, he took his shirt and pants off so he was only wearing boxers.

Enjolras returned to his bedroom to find Grantaire sitting at the former's desk.

"What are you doing?" Enjolras asked and walked over to his boyfriend. He perched near Grantaire's left shoulder and looked down at a drawing. It was dark and rough with two sides. There was a a beautiful person on one side who seemed to be talking. Light was glowing all around him. Below this figure, there was a dark, grotesque creature. Enjolras wasn't even sure if it was human, except that it's eyes were looking up hopefully to the former figure.

Enjolras's eyes traveled to the other side of the page and saw the same two figures, but the one who had been beautiful was now angry. He was still angelic, but terrifying and the figure below him seemed to grow in it's grotesqueness.

"What are you drawing?" Enjolras asked.

"Let's go to bed." Grantaire dodged and stood up. Enjolras helped him over to the bed and watched Grantaire lie down before lying beside him.

"I love you." Grantaire said and buried his face in Enjolras' curls.

"Goodnight Grantaire." Enjolras replied, unable to full out lie to the broken man in bed with him. The blond kissed Grantaire's temple and closed his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

The night that Enjolras and Grantaire had first had sex, Grantaire had noticed Enjolras had a tattoo of the word "Patria" on his right hipbone. Even once the cynic had the angel in bed with him, he was marked as the property of someone else. Even if Enjolras gave himself fully to Grantaire and made him sing with pleasure, Enjolras still belonged to France. She was his real mistress and Grantaire couldn't win against her.

This was another reason why Grantaire had fought with Enjolras. He couldn't bare the thought of being so close to the blond, but not really being his or owning the angel. France always got in the way and Grantaire felt like Enjolras was having an affair with him while married to France more than he felt that he and Enjolras were properly dating.

Grantaire dreamt of the argument and of breaking up with Enjolras. In his dream, he was a hideous beast and Enjolras was the beautiful god Apollo. All of their friends were gods, or at least angels, but Grantaire was less than human. He was the epitome of filth and he loathed himself.

"Grantaire!" Enjolras barked. Grantaire opened his eyes and noticed that his ex-boyfriend was leaning over him with a worried, but angry expression. The cynic knew it well.

"Yeah?" Grantaire asked and rubbed his eyes.

"You seemed to be having a disturbing dream, so I woke you. Are you alright?" The tone was caring, but with a hard edge that Grantaire didn't miss.

"yeah, I'm fine." Grantaire grumbled and sat up, facing away from Enjolras. He remembered their argument and the fact they broke up. He also recalled Enjolras had seemed to move past it and that he himself had told Enjolras he loved him, but it still felt like Enjolras was angry.

"You didn't have to take me here, you know. You could have let the others take care of me." The cynic added. After a second, he felt arms wrap around him and hand rest against his bare chest.

"I know. I apologize for our argument and I would like it if you'd come back." Enjolras replied softly by Grantaire's ear and kissed his neck. Grantaire gasped and hummed at the sensation. This might even make his hangover feel a bit better.

"Even if I'm not an impoverished black woman?" Grantaire asked and tried to stop a grin from coming to his face. he felt Enjolras stiffen and then felt a sharp small pain in his neck as the blond bit him a couple times, accompanied by kisses. That was just the reaction Grantaire had hoped to get out of him and the drunk moaned.

"Yes, but only if you swear to never say that again." Enjolras agreed after a minute or two more of bites and kisses.

"Hmmm, you're going to have to persuade me." Grantaire said naughtily and tangled his hand in Enjolras' perfect curls. Enjolras gave him a withered look and stood up.

"Go have a shower. I'm going to make breakfast." Enjolras said and started to walk away. Grantaire didn't think that was fair, but he decided not to point that out. Instead he said,

"but you can't cook!"

* * *

Grantaire came out of the shower wrapped in a towel. He didn't really see a need to get dressed yet because there were certain things he was hoping to get out of his day and none of them required clothes. The bedroom was empty and the door was open, so Grantaire walked into the kitchen and found Enjolras sitting on the counter reading a book.

"I thought you were making breakfast." Grantaire recalled. Enjolras looked up and put the book down.

"I did. It's on the table." The blond replied. Grantaire wasn't sure he wanted to know what Enjolras had put together, but he looked at the table and saw perfectly shaped waffles and mashed potatoes.

"How did you -" Grantaire began in amazement and then smirked. "Those are egos and instant potatoes, aren't they." he said accusingly.

"Just eat." Enjolras said coldly and went to the table.

They ate in an awkward silence, followed by an awkward cleanup until Enjolras glanced down at Grantaire's towel. He looked back at Grantaire and took another step towards him. Grantaire watched and felt his heartbeat quicken in anticipation. He couldn't remember the last time Enjolras had initiated sex and he was looking forward to it. Although he knew Enjolras loved him, he felt a voice in the far back of his mind wondering if it was true. Maybe this would be proof enough for it.

Enjolras touched Grantaire's face gently with one of his pale, smooth hands and leaned in close to the drunkard's face. Grantaire leaned in, but paused half an inch away. He needed Enjolras to kiss him. He needed reassurance. There was a second of pause before Grantaire felt warm lips press against his own.

Just like all the previous time, Grantaire felt a surge of energy go through him, but this time it was even stronger than before. He leaned into the kiss and relished in every tiny sensation. He tangled a hand in Enjolras' curls and wrapped his other arm around the blond's hips.

Enjolras pushed Grantaire against the nearest wall.

"Enjolras!" Grantaire moaned on impact and waited for the perfect harshness that usually followed an argument, but he was surprised when Enjolras caressed his face and kissed him gently in contrast with Grantaire's desperation. Enjolras remained calm and his kiss was caring. Enjolras' hands touched him in soft brushes that were hardly there, but they were there and Grantaire felt tears building in his eyes. Suddenly, he started to sob and Enjolras had to stop kissing him.

"Are you alright?" The blond asked gently. Grantaire nodded and rested his head against Enjolras' shoulder. He felt a hand card through his hair and soft kisses pressed along his neck.

"I was afraid you didn't love me." Grantaire choked out even though he wasn't exactly sure why. There was a pause before Enjolras replied,

"of course I do."

Grantaire believed him.


	5. Chapter 5

Enjolras felt sick as he said the words, "of course I do." He could see that the cynic believed him and that thought made the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach worse. A vibration in his left pocket distracted him and he fished his phone out and saw it was Combeferre sending a text that read: I'm on my way.

"You should get dressed, Grantaire, Combeferre is on his way." Enjolras said. Grantaire nodded and pulled back from Enjolras so that the former's back was pressed even harder against the wall. Enjolras realized that his boyfriend was trapped, so he backed away.

Grantaire looked at Enjolras with trusting, but hurt eyes and Enjolras wished he could take that pain away. The idea that Grantaire trusted him made the blond feel worse than he would have thought possible.

"You love me?" Grantaire asked softly like a child. Enjolras couldn't make himself say the words again, so he just smiled a bit and kissed Grantaire gently for a minute before pulling away.

"Go get dressed."

Grantaire obeyed with a truly happy smile and Enjolras watched him disappear into the bedroom.

Enjolras walked back to the counter in the kitchen and picked up his book. He continued to read it until there was a knock at the door. He put the book down and crossed the room to the door. Combeferre was standing in the doorway as Enjolras had expected. The medical student threw his arms around the blond and embraced him closely.

"How are you, mon ami?" Combeferre asked.

"Well enough." Enjolras replied and pulled away gently. "Grantaire is just getti dressed. He should be out any -"

before Enjolras could finish his sentence, the door opened and Grantaire walked into the room.

"Grantaire, how do you feel?" Combeferre asked with a polite smile. Enjolras could see sadness in his eyes.

"Like heck." Grantaire replied honestly with a dark shrug. "My hangover makes me want to die. but it's nothing out of the ordinary."

"Alright. Well, if you feel anything out of the ordinary, call me. Can I steal Enjolras for a minute?" Combeferre said and took Enjolras' arm.

"Yeah, whatever."

Combeferre lead Enjolras outside and looked at him.

"Do you want to get a coff-"Combeferre began to suggest.

"What would you like to talk about?" Enjolras interrupted even though he knew the answer.

"Are you and Grantaire back together?" Combeferre said after sighing. Enjolras knew he knew how his mind worked and how much he needed straight answers.

"Yes, we are." Enjolras answered and walked across the street to sit on a park bench. Combeferre nodded and bit his lip.

"I thought he seemed happier. Eniolras... He has major depression and he's very delicate. I know you want to help, but have you ever thought that maybe you're making it worse?"

Enjolras froze. "How could it be worse than before? He's been happier since we started dating than I've ever seen him!"

"Yes, but you don't love him! I can tell! I know you, Enjolras." Combeferre sighed. "Im worried about you too, mon ami." He added and placed a hand on Enjolras' shoulder. "You're asexual. You have no interest in sex. You've never wanted it. You've never talked about it, but I'm sure that Grantaire wouldn't be able to keep your hands off of you judging by the way he looks at you at meetings."

Enjolras hardly flinched. Talking about sex didn't phase him.

"Are you two having sex?" Combeferre finally got to the point.

"Yes. Yes, we are." Enjolras states flatly. "Why is that so troubling to you?"

"Because I don't want either of you hurt! You don't love him and you have no sexual desires! It's not really consensual, it's more like out of guilt or something! That isn't a healthy relationship and you are going to wear yourself out. When you finally can't take it, it'll probably push Grantaire to suicide and you could become depressed yourself. Please, listen to me!"

"Then what would you have me do? break up with him now and break his heart just as much? Besides, he's happy and I'm fine. I won't break his heart. I can take care of myself." Enjolras growled.

"fine. I know that you are an adult, but you aren't very good at taking care of yourself. Only other people. I won't force you to do something you don't want to, but know that I love you and I want you to be safe. I'll see you later." Combeferre gave in before walking towards his car. He opened the door and started to drive away.

Enjolras watched and then returned to his apartment. He was frustrated with Combeferre and himself. He opened the door to the apartment and closed it loudly.

"Hey," Grantaire looked at him from the couch. "What's wrong?"

Enjolras went over to Grantaire and grabbed his arm before crashing his lips into Grantaire's and tangled a hand in his dark dark curls. Grantaire was surprised for half a second, but then kissed Enjolras back passionately.

"I didn't think you felt like it today." Grantaire moaned as Enjolras straddled him and pushed him down.

"Neither did I." Enjolras replied and bit Grantaire's lip and deepened their passionate kiss.

"Enjolras," Grantaire moaned again. "My beautiful Apollo!"

Enjolras tore the drunkard's shirt off and continued. He did care about Grantaire. He did love him. He was fine. Even if he didn't want sex, he didn't hate it. He wasn't abusing himself. It was fine.

Once they were finished, Grantaire wrapped his arms around Enjolras and pulled him close, not caring that they were still on the couch.

"You're perfect." Grantaire whispered and kissed a Enjolras' forehead.

"You should see the good in yourself too." Enjolras replied and kissed his boyfriend's cheek.

"We both know there is none. My only redemption is you." Grantaire countered.

"You're wrong," Enjolras said. "You loved me despite my dismissive attitude towards you."

"Thats what love is. It's something that doesn't leave no matter what happens." Grantaire smiled and leaned his head against Enjolras' bare shoulder. Enjolras now knew why his boyfriend had been so happy when Enjolras had told him he loved him. The sick feeling returned.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Trigger Warning! Self harm and body image problems - don't read this chapter if you are sensitive to that stuff! Also, I'm sorry if you don't think my portrayal of depression or self harm are accurate. I'm running on my personal experiences and they may differ from yours. **

Grantaire was completely content in Enjolras' arms And he fell asleep quickly. His dreams were full of demons of his past and present. The reasons for his depression became more apparent and he relived the many painful meetings where Enjolras had shot him disapproving looks and yelled at him in anger. Grantaire woke up and stood up without pausing to look at Enjolras' sleeping figure as he usually did. He slipped on his discarded clothes from the day before and went to the fridge to grab a beer.

Grantaire finished the beer quickly and looked around the apartment. Enjolras was still lying naked on the couch in blissfully unaware sleep. Grantaire always envied the blond, but especially now. Enjolras had told him he loved him, but Grantaire was still having a hard time accepting it. How could someone as amazing as Enjolras love a depressed, ugly, and cynical drunk? The thought that Enjolras probably didn't really love him made Grantaire's chest grow heavy and his stomach drop. He opened the fridge again to search for more beer, but there was none. All the wine was gone too. He checked the cupboards and they were also empty.

"Look at you, you can't even remember to go shopping!" Grantaire cursed quietly as his troubled thoughts grew. He went into the bathroom and looked at the mirror as he washed his hands and splashed water on his face. His eyes still looked a bit bloodshot and his skin was clammy. He had started to gain a bit of weight, probably since he hadn't gone to the gym in a few days and with the excessive amount of alcohol he had consumed, he was a little flabby.

Normally, Grantaire wouldn't care much about his appearance, but since Enjolras was so beautiful, it made Grantaire feel more worthless to realize that he was out of shape. Enjolras was slender and tall, clean-shaven with lean muscles and a beautifully sculpted face. Grantaire was a stronger build, a bit shorter, hairy (especially recently), and had a larger nose and bushy eyebrows that probably looked stupid. On top of that, he had grown flabby and heroin hadn't helped his complexion or his dead-looking eyes.

"You're so ugly, it's no wonder Enjolras left you." Grantaire muttered. It wasn't completely true of course. Technically, Grantaire had left Enjolras. That being said, Enjolras had sort of implied that he wanted the drunk to leave.

By this point, Grantaire had gone from an unpleasant after-dream state to self-loathing and he felt darkness enclosing around his mind and heart. He felt a desperate need to escape because Enjolras would leave him again. He knew it.

Grantaire needed alcohol, but they were out, so he sought relief from the only other thing on hand. A knife. He searched the cupboards of the bathroom sink until he found a small pocket-knife that he kept for emergencies like these. Sure, cutting wasn't a great option, but neither was alcohol if Grantaire was honest with himself. He turned the blade over in his hand and traced his arm lightly with it, without making a scratch. He felt the desperation build up inside of him and finally, he took his shirt off and made a quick small cut in his upper-arm. He winced and felt a sick pleasure in the pain. He did it again. Blood trailed down his arm and he grabbed some toilet-paper to stop the bleeding.

The door opened with a small squeak.

"I was wondering where you-" Enjolras's voice cut off and Grantaire suspected the blond had seen what the cynic was doing to himself.

"I forgot to lock the door I guess." Grantaire muttered darkly and averted his eyes. There was a pause before arms wrapped around him and a hand took hold of the knife's handle.

"Give me the knife." Enjolras requested.

"I need it. You don't understand, but I need this. It helps me cope." Grantaire tried to explain. "It gives me a way to release all the negative emotions that build up."

"What happened? You were happy last night." Enjolras asked without removing his hand.

"You don't understand depression, do you? Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I'm not. There isn't always really a reason. It just kind of happens. Anything can set me off."

"What was it today?" his blond boyfriend asked and looked at the cuts.

"I had a dream."

"About what?"

Grantaire darkened and tried to move his arm away so he could cut again.

"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to finish what I was doing so I can move on."

"How will that help? Isn't there anything I can do to take your mind off of it?" Enjolras asked.

"Probably, but...why would you want to? I'm ugly." Grantaire said quietly and brought the knife to his thigh.

"Why would you say that?" Enjolras asked another question. Grantaire snorted.

"Don't pretend you haven't noticed."

"Noticed what?" Enjolras frowned. Grantaire rolled his eyes. There was no way Enjolras didn't notice, was there?

"Well, look at me!"

Enjolras looked at Grantaire blankly.

"I've gained weight. And I'm so hairy and gross. My nose is too big." Grantaire explained with a sigh. Lips were pressed to Grantaire's neck and Grantaire wanted to enjoy it, but he couldn't.

"You aren't ugly, Grantaire." Enjolras' breath tickled the cynic's neck. "Do you want to have sex again? Will that help convince you?"

"I don't know," Grantaire admitted. "I don't think it will help. I...Im not sure you mean it. I don't know, I'm sorry. I'm such a terrible boyfriend! I don't know why you started going out with me!" He stood up and cut his arm again as tears gathered in his brown eyes. He cut a few more times and carved the word, "worthless" on his skin.

"Grantaire," Enjolras said and grabbed the drunk's arm. "Give me the knife."

"I need the p-"

"let me cut you instead." Enjolras interrupted. Grantaire looked at his boyfriend with wide eyes.

"Wait, what?" He asked. "You want to cut me?"

"No, but if you insist on doing it anyway, then I'll do it." Enjolras explained. Grantaire shrugged and handed Enjolras the blood-stained knife. Enjolras paused and glanced at Grantaire's face, but finally placed the knife a little lower on Grantaire's arm. Grantaire felt the familiar pain and winced but enjoyed it. It came many times more and Grantaire felt tears trail down his cheeks after a few times.

After a while, Enjolras stopped and knelt by the cupboard to search for the first-aid kit. Grantaire watched his boyfriend and admired the way the blond's body curved just right.

Grantaire glanced at his own arm and saw a bunch of blood. Enjolras dabbed disinfectant on it and Grantaire gasped and grimaced in pain, but found twisted pleasure in that too. Enjolras cleaned the blood off and Grantaire thought he could see the word, "strong" and another two words, "cared for"

Grantaire felt a lump form in his throat and he started to cry. Enjolras bandaged his arm and wrapped arms around the drunk as Grantaire clung to him. Grantaire fell to his knees crying with on hand on his boyfriend's hip and the other clutching the blond's hand.

Enjolras placed a hand on his shoulder and squeezed his hand gently.

"I love you, but I'm not worthy of your love." Grantaire sobbed and clung to Enjolras' body like a sinner begging for mercy from a saint. Enjolras knelt in front of a Grantaire.

"You don't need to be." And the blond kissed him.


End file.
